Almost weekly someone shares a story with me that
involves seniors bullying other
seniors. They are more often than not at
a loss to know what to do about it. After all, we are not talking about children
whom we can assign detention, suspend or remove from the classroom when they
bully. We are talking about mature,
accomplished, elders whom we admire and respect. In response to what is seeming more and more like an epidemic, a few years ago I developed a series of senior bullying workshops that have been presented in a number of independent and assisted living communities, as well as senior centers in and around central Ohio.
Many seniors initially attend the bullying workshops out of
curiosity and under the impression that they are unaware of any bullying within
their communities. The unfortunate truth
is that bullying is human behavior that we do not outgrow just by advancing in
years. As soon as they understand that
bullying includes a whole continuum of conduct that goes beyond physical abuse
they are quick to identify bullying behavior and yes - the bullies themselves. In fact, I generally need to issue a warning
about the importance of not naming names as we move through our
discussion.
We include a section in our
most popular brochure called - You Might Be a Bully If:
·
You refuse to allow other residents to sit at
your table at mealtime.
·
You encourage others not to be friendly with
residents you dislike.
·
You participate in hurtful gossip about other
residents.
·
You raise your voice resulting in the
intimidation of another.
·
You refuse to participate and/or discourage
others from participating because you dislike a participating resident.
·
You label others with hurtful nicknames or
engage in name calling.
·
You continue to "tease" another
resident even though that individual has asked you to stop.
·
You are the member of a clique which is by
definition exclusionary.
What does bullying typically look like in senior
arenas? In my experience, the most
pervasive form of senior bullying is a combination of verbal and social
bullying. There are times when a senior
resident engages in physical bullying like pushing, tripping, pinching or even
kicking. But the more common practice
involves yelling, spreading rumors, name calling, manipulating relationships
and participating in cliques. There are a
large number of disputes over shared resources like seating in the dining room
or the attention of staff members.
Consider
the following examples centered around one shared resource - the laundry
area.
Ø
A resident once told me that another resident initially
became verbally abusive with him because he entered the common laundry room in front of her causing her to have to wait to
do her laundry. In the weeks and months
that followed, the female resident began spreading rumors about the male
resident and would routinely chase him down in her power-chair to call him
names and shout obscenities at him. He eventually moved out of the community in
an effort to avoid the bully.
Ø
A female resident who was a notorious busybody
started a hurtful rumor about a new male resident that included the notion that
he was a cross-dresser after mistakenly identifying another female resident's
laundry for the gentleman's laundry. This
situation caused the gentleman not to want to leave his apartment and
culminated in a first time bought with depression.
Ø
An unidentified resident once hung an extra
large pair of bloomers on the pegboard in a laundry room with a note that named
a resident (property of so and so) adding that "someone needs to
diet." The resident who was named
had been the target of a whole barrage of bullying behavior including hate mail
and shunning. This situation eventually
erupted into a physical altercation and the arrest of the woman who had been
being targeted because she threw the first punch.
What can be done to stop senior bullying? We teach folks to recognize bullying
behavior. We also provide information
about the reasons people bully and the potential consequences of bullying. We teach intervention strategies. We focus on learning to present as assertive
without becoming aggressive. For the
target, learn effective strategies like ignoring or avoiding the bully. Learn
to speak from a place of confidence.
For the witness, understand that bullying doesn't continue without a
group of by-standers who act like it's okay.
Express your disapproval. For the
bully, learn to listen and see yourself as others see you. Ask for help or seek counseling if
necessary.
